Decisions in crisis times
How not to be irrational when you're scared for your life.
Psychologists tell us stressed humans make poor and irrational decisions. Once the surgical approach and risks were laid out, I had to get straight into not just a Last Will & Testament, but also Lasting Power of Attorney. Major decisions were needed, death, stroke and persistent vegetative state are a risk of brain surgery, to be clear. I also wanted to think about the support networks the people close to me might need. Trying to make life changing decisions while scared and stressed, I felt I couldn’t trust my own brain. I found a way through though, so I’m going to share these as I know these posts are already circulating the brain tumour community, and this approach may help others. It might even help others with life changing decisions to address.
My biggest step here was deciding I couldn’t trust my own lens - so if that’s going to be useless to me, who can I borrow from?
On the documentation, I looked to my father. He passed away a few years back sadly, but I’ll always remember his devotion to looking out for us. During the recession in the eighties, he lost his engineering management job as the manufacturing sector imploded, so he took shift work wherever he could to get the family though. So I asked what my father would have done in my situation? He’d have made damn sure to get the paperwork cleaned up and tidy, leave no mess for anyone else, and ensure the most vulnerable were provided for. That was all I needed to guide my mind through the paperwork exercise: what would my father do? I also want to shout out to Sam Grice. My EA found his firm as I needed to get this done fast, and it turns out Sam had previously had a horrible experience with Wills and LPA - so he created Octopus Legacy to try and offer something better. They guided me through a complicated process with expertise and compassion, and I’m thankful to have had their support through that part of the journey.
When I looked to support networks though, I needed a different view. My father had often been a loner, having grow up moving around air force bases with my grandparents. So I looked instead to my children. The way they go hard to look out for their friends at school is inspiring, I’m so very proud of how they handle themselves. It made sense then to take my lead from them. This wasn’t the kind of news I immediately wanted to broadcast to the world, but I wanted to make sure my family had support, not just them but my co-founders too.
We have some shared social acquaintances, so I quickly and quietly dropped notes out to a few mutual friends, shared acquaintances. I brought them into the loop, and asked them to check in on my cofounders from time to time. I figured Josh & Andy might need to talk things through at some point, I’d be out of action with surgery, and they wouldn’t want to share my medical news for me. By sharing the news for them discreetly, I wanted to create safe spaces with trusted friends where they could go and process any emotions or fears they had. I also shared with my previous team over at Mind the Product. We’d built an events and media business together over a decade, travelled the world, survived a pandemic together. That team remains family to me, and to my mind they deserved to be among the very first to know, and the morale lift they offered certainly justified that decision. Someone on that crew once referred to me as “Optimism as a Service” - and if ever there was a time to lean into that positive attitude, it was now. I still remind myself of that comment daily, it really helps. Treasure those things, you never know when you’ll need them.
So how do you pull your shit together and face up to tough times? Turns out, when you have the the right reasons to fight you'll be astonished at what you're capable of. I should note here that everything I just talked you through happened in an 11 day whirlwind, eye test to operating table. n my case, I gave my kids this news, looked ‘em in the eye, and promised I wouldn’t quit. That carried me all the way, and still is. I determined right there than when I walked in, I’d do so with love in my heart and fire in my belly. Yeah, I damn well did too. We all have things in our life we’re not proud of, but I’ll tell you now, I’m proud of how I walked into the fight that day.
Rolling on that cart into surgery is the last thing I remember. What I remember thinking is this: If I lose my sight in that theatre, then I’ve seen their faces for the very last time. I’ve never known fear like it, and that’s the moment when failure simply became an option that could not be possible. When you know that blindness and death are on the line , you simply have to accept it’s time to get shit done. There wasn’t much I could actually do here, but I still needed to find clarity in the eye of the storm. It centred me. In any tough situation, you need to be clear what you’re fighting for. Visualise it, hold it close, draw your power from that. More on visualisations later, they became a powerful tool for me.
After the surgery, I should have been in hospital for 14 days. We were advised I’d need seven days on high dependency ward recovery, then another week on a regular ward. I don’t tend to rest easily and I’ve always been lucky to heal fast. What was left of my mind and body really came through for me here though, I was assessed as ready for discharge after just three nights to continue recovery at home. With a fistful of dental painkillers and nothing more, I was out the door. The hospital staff were superb, but being home with family was better.
Final point on the hospital aspect here - if anyone ever tells you morphine is the good stuff, they’re lying! The hallucinations were horrific, was glad to see the back of that, the headaches were preferable. Huge thanks again to Beth & Janna for working so hard to get me home and comfortable. Time for the first steps in trying to understand what my life would now be. I was already conscious I’d been forever changed by this experience, and scared as hell to figure out what might come next. The next phase of this battle is fought more on home turf.