When the clouds start to clear

This is a hard path, and damn dark at times.

I’ve had more than a few kind souls let me know they appreciate the writing here, the insights shared and the honesty. A few have been wonderful enough to say they find these inspirational, which I find humbling. Of late though, I’ve felt like a fraud on that aspect.

Truth is, last few weeks have been dark indeed. We knew when I started a combined treatment of radiation therapy and chemo, it would be hard indeed. I was deemed fit enough to take it and all the data pointed to it being the gold standard approach, so on we go. I’ve now completed that 6 week period, and the last couple have been harder than I could have imagined. Physically it’s been pretty gruelling, but mentally harder still. When you love to eat and feel constantly queasy, when you’re known for your energy but have nothing left, you feel nothing so much as a shadow of yourself.

The movie The Matrix first introduced me to the concept of residual self image, the concept that we all have a certain self image & attributes, how we project. I’ve been feeling like I’d lost me, maybe forever. Losing clumps of hair through Radiotherapy was the first touch of it, but as the fatigue and chemo brain fog grew, it got worse. Being so deep in it, it was hard to take stock and see the perspective. Occasional outings with family and friends helped, but at the end of the day it was just back to being with someone who was no longer me. Janna bore the brunt of that and worked constantly to keep me afloat.

I’m writing today out of joy though, and to help others walking this path. I didn’t believe it would pass, but I’m just a week past my last radiation therapy session and feeling so much lighter already. I get a few more weeks off before chemo sessions begin again, and I can feel the brain fog lifting too. This lightness, the sharpness, the energy, all starting to return. I know the next round of Chemo will hit me again, but I’m squaring that away now. Some of what I thought was gone for good was not in fact lost, just buried. I’m digging my way out now, and I can see the light once more.

I write today because it feels good to share something uplifting after some really rough weeks, but also in the hope this reaches and helps someone else at a low ebb, and for me to discover it again in future. The clouds do break, and damn it feels good when that happens. Yet another reminder to make the most of it, whenever I have the energy. The rest can wait till we’re done - I know it lets go now, and that is enough to inspire me today. One day at a time, trust the process and grind it out.